welcome to my blog
im not really on here trying to build a super aesthetic or functional website i am just
posting my writing every day, usually journaling. my goal is to do this for as long as possible
to keep a record of my life. i dont really care if anyone reads it or not
but if you do connect with it. that is cool. peace - emily
i am at the AIRPORT waiting for my flight to LOS ANGELES to board and then i am flying from THERE to AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND!! bye you fucking losers!! i cant wait to get away from the bullshit for a while.. haha.. you feel me? went through security absolutely beast mode record time took out all the required components from my bag and my person and passed the metal detector with flying colors. unfortunately this all meant nothing because apparently the xray machine didnt take a pic of my bag/shoes/belt so they had to send it through again. walked to gate. went into womens bathroom on the way. listened to a girl on the phone a couple stalls over talk about sleeping in too late and feeling downtrodden. she said downtrodden or maybe downtrod multiple times over the course of the phone call. whole time i was thinking "you guys im deep in enemy territory right now." remembered conversation i had with friends about cis girls peeing really loud. heard it likened to elephant shooting water out of its trunk or something. by comparison i pee very quietly. currently at gate sitting across from a couple with a small dawg who seems to really want to jump up on the bench with them but is too apprehensive. saw the man (the other one is a woman) let the dog lick the spoon of something he had been eating and had to double check to make sure he had finished whatever it was and wasnt just letting his dog lick the spoon before he resumed chowing down. tsa employees were being really mean to everyone but i handled my shit quick and they didnt say anything to me so i feel very accomplished in this present moment. texting my mom about her delayed flight which is now supposed to get into lax at 8:45. i tell her i think we should be good the connecting flight doesn't board til 9:45 so we should be good. overcome by urge to fingerboard at bank spot located at electronic charging station/wraparound table type situation but its overrun by people looking at stuff on ipads and computers. another day i will shred da bank... i hope i dont have to go through security again.
yesterday me and trish went to the army surplus store with the goal of getting thermal unitards (i think this is what they are called) inspired by heroin bob from slc punk. its funny when hes just in the crib super cold and hes only wearing the long johns. i dont know what the proper word for this clothing item is. we were the only people in the store apart from an older man and woman working there. i ended up buying a size medium black long sleeve thermal shirt for $13.11. they didn't have any of the full onesies.
they are telling me to check my bag cuz im in zone 7 but that means i have to go out to baggage claim and go through security again at lax and i am NOT trying to do that omg. im stressed. i fucking hate flying. there's just always something. there's always some bullshit going on. i hate that nothing ever goes smoothly. on the way to the airport i almost rear ended someone who was dead stopped on the freeway and then when i was getting food with nikita on the way i had to run out of the pizza place cause a tow truck pulled up in front of my car. nothing quite like the rush of almost getting your car towed on the way to the airport. lol. i am overcome with anxiety at nearly every waking moment of the day because i just feel like there is always some stupid thing thats going to happen. also why is there not enough space on an airplane for everyone to bring a bag and a personal item. this feels like a grave oversight on the part of the airplane designers. three bags in the overhead bin per row.. horizontally.. okay yeah no the math doesn't really add up. maybe there's a better way. there's no one here at the gate really but i guess the flight is full. can you guys tell airports make me nervous lol.
oh something else i forgot to mention is that i didn't get my buspar script filled in time and now i will be tapering off of it on this trip. this made me freak out slightly last night. im not gonna tell my mom or sister about this because i dont wanna worry them and theyve already had to deal with me having bad psych meds experience (my infamous winter 2023 ssri induced mania). ive heard the withdrawals can be kinda gnarly but like idk i quit prozac cold turkey and i feel like thats harder to do?? will keep posted. ooooh you guys were are about to hit 12000 words on the blog. 28 more words to go.
watched the movie con air last night. i feel like i didnt really know what to expect. i thought it was more of like a action comedy movie that is a somewhat self aware callback to other over the top action comedy movies but it was itself just a standard action comedy movie with a lot of fighting and explosions. i think john malkovich as cyrus "the virus" is incredible casting. nick cage's character had a funny arc. lots of racist jokes i wasn't really expecting but also ya idk comedy movie from 1997.
the little dog across from me is getting in the mesh carrier thing. i feel a sense of relief. couple people checked their bags i think maybe i can get on with mine. praying hoping as well.
showed nikita ween on the drive to the airport and felt self conscious talking about them. ween has been my favorite band since i was like 19 and became somewhat of an obsession over the last like 5 years. i know a lot a lot about them. some would say too much. any comment someone makes about them like "oh haha this song is funny" "whoa i wonder what this sounds like live" i have a nerdy ass response lined up god im so annoying lol. my aircraft on the ground and will be pre-boarding soon. at least zone 8 is after me. second to last place baby. i am not going to check a bag and we are going to SEE WHAT HAPPENS. i don't have wifi at this airport and i dont really care about figuring it out so im going to post this at a later date. i hope everyone is having a super fucking awesome day.
for the last like 6-9 months ive noticed that i smell different like not necessarily in a good way. body odor has become more neutral-smelling but somehow i feel like i smell worse. i have never met anyone who smells like this. i feel like it might have to do with smoking cigarettes and eating badly. blegh. its a good thing im not seeing anyone right now im lowkey gross. haven't washed my sheets in months. just shaved my legs and arms 2day but only the bottom half of my legs. top half currently has some cuts that are healing and im not gonna let anyone see that anyway so why does it even matter. my boss handed me two small boxes the other day that she found in a bigger box of old matchbooks and she was like oop i just found these in the box of matches but these aren't matches and it was a box of staples and a box of razor blades. felt like a weird joke at my expense courtesy of ... idk higher powers or something. the razors looked like they mightve been made in the 90s or something and i felt a strange kinship to a past generation of cutters. self harming sisterhood. don't ever start hurting yourself its very hard to stop! it said there was 5 razors but only 2 were actually in the box. i took em home and put em in a drawer. i should've just thrown them away. im fine im fine. okay now they are telling us that zone EIGHT should check their bags not me in in zone SEVEN okay baby we are in businezz.
have still been feeling immense feeling of loneliness and hopelessness recently but slightly alleviated. ghosted by internet crush but maybe a blessing in disguise like "emmie please just focus on yourself right now don't start yearning you BETTER not start yearning." idle hands something something blah blah blah. wish i had downloaded more different music to put on my mp3 player before flight. too much screamo and grind. i will not be able to relax. gonna try and read on flight to lax and then sleep. im in the mid terminal with no good food. best thing here is peets fuckin coffee my old enemy slash past employer. people are checking their bags i think im locked in. genuinely really excited to be in a faraway place. ive been so in my head recently just spending way too much time in my room overthinking everything ever. gonna get outside and hopefully not get mad at my mom but that might be tough. we've been doing a lot better in our relationship recently but i haven't really forgotten when she used to drink way more and we would get in big yelling crying matches featuring my dad and sister sometimes. i think divorce has been good for her in a lot of ways. i don't think her or my dad are bad people or anything but they were super toxic for each other. i don't remember them ever showing affection towards each other, i don't think i ever saw them do anything besides hug. i remember being so surprised realizing that my friends parents would like kiss and hold hands.
you guys. huge massive development. i checked my bag. and its actually just going straight to new zealand baby. insane world shattering crisis? averted it. sat in an aisle seat and looked over this guys shoulder at the newish joker movie with lady gaga. no sound but the vibe i got was joaquin phoenix and lady gaga are at the same mental institution after the events of joker 1 and they have a twisted romance that leads them to sometimes break out into song. fuck lady gaga i heard shes a zionist. i cannot speak for the moral standing of mr. phoenix. at one point shes acting all nonchalant and lights a piano on fire and this seems to lead to some big lovey dovey moment for the two of them. need someone to light a piano on fire during the psych ward movie night so we can try and escape together while breaking out in song. am now at lax airport in beautiful los angeles california. fingerboard spots galore at this terminal. my mom texting me asking the number of the terminal we are in and i dont know. i feel like we get on each others nerves in the same way. like the things she does that get on my nerves i also do the same things and they in turn get on her nerves. i suspect she is autistic as well as depressed or maybe she got bpd idk actually. she used to drink one half to one full bottle of wine a night for many years but she got this brain growth thing in her pituitary gland and she had to chill for a little bit last year. now she still drinks occasionally but not at home as much. i am excited to see her :)
lax airport is much more horrid and culturally shocking than sfo. i was immediately greeted getting off the plane with a wall made of varying shades of pink heart shaped balloons with big plastic letters that said LAX on either side of it. so you can like... take ur pic in front of the heart shaped balloons and let your haters know you flew to los angeles for valentines day. realizing my mom is spending valentines day on this trip with my sister and i instead of her boyfriend horace and i think that that is cool and i fuck with that. in my extreme valentines day hater moment of late. hating the concept of intimacy but at the same time really wanting that for myself. idfk i hate talking about stupid woe is me im single bullshit forget i typed this actually. leaving in for posterity. ive been having this weird pain in my left wrist/the left side of my left hand between my wrist and my pinky finger. 5 or so years ago i fell skating at lower sproul plaza in berkeley and i remember sticking my hand out behind me and it hurting a lot but it wasnt like. broken i didnt think. now i still got pain in that wrist/hand area years later.
just linked up with my mom we are officially 2 deep on this flight to new zealand. she complimented my passport picture and said i looked like a spy and that also my bangs looked "blunt" but in a good way. i was expecting her to call them "severe" because i feel like ive heard her call peoples bad haircuts that in the past. or like when i was manic and cut my hair (shut up shut up shut up) i think she said it was bad in a way that she had never even seen hair be bad in before. anyways. i love my mom. she a little crazy. but i love her. i feel like in order for this writing style to be interesting i have to go past these surface level observations. whatever. im just doing mee. ok bye for now.
okay update i was so right my mom DID call my bangs severe. but only after telling me they looked good.
i was depressed in oakland now im depressed in new zealand. look at me now fuckers.
damn it really feels like weeks have passed since i last wrote on here. im experiencing a high volume of thoughts currently and feel like i need to just get them down on paper. or on .docx. went to work yesterday and just felt so irritable the whole time. girl who came into work with her bf asked for my number after i told her cool dying fetus shirt. its true yall... i just love brutal death metal. i felt all awkward and said something bout sorry im not like on the market rn but hey i appreciate it. stoned as fuck behind the register. its weird i almost got like annoyed at her for asking. im so turned off to the idea of that kinda thing. my self imposed vow of celibacy really kicking in hard.
i posted on instagram "2025 im accepting god into my life" but i lowkey meant it. im not really talking about about capital G god or capital J jesus or anything. i used to think people were so stupid for being religious. but in my old age of 25 years ive reconsidered. i think god can be found everywhere. more like some sort of presence that exists in the 5th or 6th dimension simultaneously across all of time. god is nature, love, friendship, acceptance. people say "how can there be all this suffering in the world if god is real" but i think that question has a simpler answer than "he works in mysterious ways" or "you just have to pray harder." suffering exists because people don't accept god/love into their heart and now you have capitalism and war and all this stupid bullshit. god is caring for other people.. i hate the modern american christian perception of how you gotta go to some megachurch and read a bible to gain entry into heaven or somehting like that. idk if there's an afterlife or anything. the miracle of consciousness is heavenly enough despite the horror that comes with it. god is in all things. i think it/its pronouns are more accurate for talking about god. god is in all things its in me and its in you.
idk im fucking rambling i need to clean my room and pay for my car insurance and figure out what im gonna eat i am leaving for new zealand in 2 days and i am. not ready and i am stressed out and i need to do laundry and go to work today and text people back and take my meds and clean my room and take out the trash and pack a bag and go to school my mind is in a million places all at once i keep just wanting to scream i try to do it but just silently face in my arms making some quiet high pitched wailing. i need to smash something with a baseball bat.
i was driving home yesterday and there was some big commotion on 14th and mission like 5 firetrucks and a few cop cars they had the crane up to this building but i couldnt see what was happening. older guy in front of me just started reversing for god knows why and backed right into my car despite me honking at him. he got out of the car wearing a ucla hat and just smiling looking at my car seeing there wasnt any dents or anything. i was so pissed at him for not paying attention and seeming not to care at all that he hit my car but he didnt fuck my bumper up or anything so it was fine. sat at the light just watching cop cars flashing blue and red. chainsmoked cigs the whole way home.
im about to call kevin back and try and take a shower and maybe start picking up my room i have work at 3 i just wanna stay home and sleep all day.
weed is evil. i feel like i'm being tortured. worked on blink 182 "t.v." cover and got frustrated and gave up. i recorded the whole song but it sounded too boring so i added a noise part and well it still needs a lot of work lol. raining outside again. our heater is broken im sitting in my room bundled up wearing a beanie and hoodie and leggings under jeans. i keep sleeping in so late and i hate it. my mind feels so jumbled and like twitchy. i keep wanting to just start yelling. tomorrow ill be productive im gonna make that shirt and apply for this visa thing and do something else that i'm forgetting right now. blegh.
sorry chat i've been not good at writing the last couple days. i was getting my passport at the fed banks. going through security filling out my documents. got my pic taken at walgreens on a little digital camera. new passport secured they said it couldn't be done. yesterday i went to dylan's house for his fortnite theme birthday party. 5 screens going at the same time you kind of had to be there. today i did a little bit of mushrooms when i got back from the city and skated bella for a little just doing a lot of pressure flips and nose slides.
mixed feelings last couple days. hope and excitement for future. i am going to new zealand next week to visit my sister. me and my mom flying out. im stoked i havent been out of the country in years, i think a change of scenery will be nice. going somewhere far away. itll be good to put some space between myself and all this random emotional crap i always seem to be going through in oakland.
sometimes i hate hanging around couples. god im becoming an incel. i dont even really want sex or anything i just kind of wish i had that sorta closeness with someone. but at the same time i think i need to take longer to get my shit straightened out and get my emotions and whatever weird things i have going on under control.this woman asked me for a cigarette and i gave her one and she told me i had a nice smile and that she liked my purple backpack. it really brightened up my day. i love when someone is randomly nice to me, it inspires me to be nice to people in turn.
ryan gave me this weed vape last night and its fun but its also like dangerous lol. i shouldnt be allowed to just get stoned whenever i want. cause ill just get stoned all the time and be a pile. i think im just gonna give it to trish when i leave on my trip.
moved up to 100mg lamictal and i really hope it kicks in soon. i wanna be a little stupid and a little less sad. i just get these crazy mood swings and even if it mellows that out a little i'll be really happy. i'm tired of not feeling in control of my mood. i hate the not knowing how im gonna feel on any given day, its like its totally unpredictable and im just pulling the lever on the slot machine. ding ding ding you will be happy for 2 hours this morning and then you will feel an indescribable ache until it gets dark and then you'll watch twin peaks for hours to try and feel something different.
ok goodnight blog im gonna try and write more tmmrw
i slept in til noon. woke up and my blankets were all fucked up tangled around in unorthodox positions more suited to wrapping around a sprawling body than laying flat on a bed. the true sign of a good nights rest.
went to walgreens to get my passport photo taken. it didnt come out very good but its like. whatever ya know i dont realy gotta look at it all the time or anything. im just happy its something different than the picture of 15 year old me that haunts my memories on my old one. why did i used to fuckin spike my hair up when i was a boy. not even in a cool punk way just like "up and kind of to one side." im so happy i have moderately more swag now. it only took me like ten years.
printed stuff at the library and was helped by a nice older short lady who seemed like she was confused as i was. she seemed very stressed out by my decision to print stuff by emailing it to the library computer because that way i wasnt able to get $1.50 free prints with my library card. but like respect. it only cost like 2.25 in the end. light change for a baller like me.
restless and anxious today. consulted my "alternatives to self harm" pdf that i got from my old therapist. common themes on there: drawing and ice cubes. i felt like it was a little outdated so here is my proposed update:
alternatives to self harm:
get in a fight with a stranger and film it for instagram
smash your roommates playstation on concrete
kick footballs at passing cars
prank call someone you hate
watchpeopledie.tv movie marathon
crowdkilling at indie rock show
massive tobacco bong rip. instantly vomit everywhere
jump out of a moving car into a bush
indoor fireworks party
did not sleep last night. two two today... angel numbers. im not sure why ive been liking sleep less recently. i like the way things feel at night time. i dont even hate sleeping necessarily. god knows im depressed enough to sleep as fuck if i wanted 22. hehe get it. february 2nd 2025. my passport appointment is on tuesday i need to go to walgreens tomorrow and get my pic taken and also scan my documents and go to the library and print those out also.
during my time awake i watched a bunch of catatonic youths videos and most of the movie manic (2001) which has been recommended on youtube for a while now. the actor who plays the character chad who spoiler alert attempts to murder an orderly (i think they r called orderlies in the ward. i have never been to the psych ward maybe someone can fact check me on this) looks freakishly like young gene ween from the band ween. some would say my favorite band. my gov teacher senior year of high school showed me them. he was like "oh you like punk? well you gotta check out ween. they're the punkest band ever" and i was confused cuz i just knew them from ocean man which was like a meme song in 2016. whatever that means.
got out of bed around 730 and went to the arco ampm on park ave and got $20 worth of gas and a white monster and a pack of blue american spirits. went back outside to fillerup after i paid only to see that there was a big pool of what looked like vomit in the space between my back right wheel and the gas pump. grrr why do i always pick the pump with the vomit. my stupid life. proceeded to drive to berkeley up to grizzly peak where i parked my car and smoked and watched the rain and listened to the rentals. feel very sad in general at the moment. here is why i think i am feeling sad:
-loneliness/feelings of inability and inadequacy surrounding maintaining relationships
-stagnation+doing the same things all the time
-not eating well or having a good sleep schedule
- no therapist/new meds haven't kicked in yet
- only feel like i can share my feelings in a really genuine way with one or two people and one of them just kinda yaps about his own life whenever i call on the phone and the other one doesn't really pick up the phone much so its rare we actually get to talk
-lacking a sense of purpose in life
- the lyrics to building by embrace (nothing i do seems to work out right... im a failure)
not sure why im even writing this. journaling is good i guess. i have a twisted desire for people to discover my website like its some sort of well kept internet secret like oooh you guys check out this website where you can read about this random 25 year old trans girls life and see her whine about her nonexistent problems. i think im just hyped on personal essay writing/autofiction as a concept. to be clear everything i have said thus far has been nonfictional. but thats for me to know and you to find out.
TW SELF HARM since ive started typing out stuff i havent self harmed i dont think. which is good for me. i havent really talked about that on here before and i kind of dont want to but i will give a brief summary now. since i was like 16 i was what you would call a head hitter i would punch myself in the head when i got mad or upset or frustrated or any combo of those things. apparently i used to hit my head on the side of my crib when i was a baby. i think this is an autism thing from what i understand. whatever. the head punching was relatively low intensity from ages hmm 16-19 but it rly ramped up my sophomore year of college. rly frustrated with myself and confused about my dumb sexuality and gender identity and had confusing/kind of upsetting friendship dynamic with one of my roommates who now we are cool and its all good. this continued til roughly age 24 and did not progress in a good way, was very upsetting for my ex and i didnt do a good job dealing with it. end of 2023 i had my infamous "ssri induced mania" week and that was when i started cutting myself. it feels so stupid to start cutting yourself at the old age of 24. i told my therapist about it and she was like oh yeah i work with teenagers so ive dealth with a lot of cutting type stuff. and like yeah i get it its more common among that age group but also felt like super patronizing. a different old therapist told me harm is just a coping mechanism. you dont have other healthy coping mechanisms right now so for now its just a tool in your toolbox and that pissed me off and i stopped seeing her. from december 2023-now (february 2024) ive been cutting myself regularly. nothing too insane but like its a thing i do. it feels kinda like when youve had a stressful day at work and you finally get to go home and smoke a cigarette, theres this sort of instant relief you get. but thats immediately followed by all this shame and sadness. its awful but ive become sort of obsessed with it. i feel like i need to do it to prove to myself that im actually down bad. even though i know thats just not true at all you dont have to harm yourself to be "truly depressed" but ive just developed this warped way of thinking about it. its like once i get the idea in my head that day im just like oh. okay. im gonna cut myself now. i cant stop it. but genuinely writing has been super helpful to try and sort out my feelings better. i have a really hard time identifying the things i feel and sitting with them and actually addressing them and sh is kind of like a cop out where you release all these feelings in a roundabout way but then they come back and bite you in the ass a little harder everytime. i miss the way my body looked when i didnt have all these marks on it. on my arm and my legs. feel so embarassed walking around like look at me guys! look what i did! not that i do that. ive gotten really good at covering it up these last couple months. its easy cause its been cold. i used to just say fuckit and run the band aids on my wrist with a t shirt but i felt too guilty knowing my friends saw that. in a way i was crying for help. but in the last probably like 4 months i think ive only told 1 person about still doing it. it just feels like this elephant in my room/brain but i never want to have that conversation with anyone. i dont want to worry them but at the same time im like you guys pls im actually struggling rly hard i just dont know how to address it or seek help. i would try and talk about it a lot with my friend slash girl i sorta dated for a little bit but i just have this thing where i never want to take peoples advice about my mental health. i just end up feeling like kind of an idiot cause obviously its easy for someone else to see what im doing wrong and give me advice but its so different than actually going through it in the moment if you havent dealth with that kind of thing. the same goes for therapy i can go and talk about shit at length but im terrible about doing my homework like ive had this list of alternatives to self harm my therapist gave me and i think i only ever tried like one thing on there. im a stubborn bitch and im a prisoner of my own stupid routines and i hate it and need to make a change. on god im getting back in therapy soon i promise. im out of words to say about this and idk if i will talk about it again but feels good to get it out.
going to try and go to sleep now. kevin invited me to a bonfire later but im not sure if ill wanna go. i feel bad cause i havent seen him for a week or two. but i might just need to lay down for a long time 2day.
ok chat its official we made it to february. huge news. massive things. recorded another blink 182 cover yesterday. "sometimes" i always liked that song cuz the second guitar riff in the intro sounds like str8 up norwegian black metal or smth lol. blink covers ep soon. i think im gna call it "blink and you'll miss it." local bands be like big things coming soon and its just more music.
woke up at like 9 and stayed in bed til 1030 and cried a little bit. spent a little too long passively thinking about dying but then i just took a shower and now i feel fine. im such a drama queen its insane. its not good in fact. going to go to work later and try and figure out how to get the least amount of soaked walking from the train to my job (i have no umbrella and i must scream). sometimes i do the whole artsy chick main character thing and just let myself get wet in the rain but thats only fun for a couple minutes and then u gotta be wet and cold for like half an hour.
i just got a time news alert that said "the dating wealth gap is getting wider." what the f does that mean like broke people r dating rich people? like yeah okay i feel like thats been a thing lol. wtf do i know i dont get bitches. every time i look at the news i just see insane fearmongering about how being trans is horrible and we all need to escape the country or just the absolute most stupid brainrotted crap of all time. when i get my passport on tuesday im not about to get my gender marker changed. i dont want the government to have it on paper that im trans and thats like a surefire way to get it denied. so fried. i almost thought about changing my marker to f on my paperwork but the only reason id do that is to make a big deal about stuff and be like oh woe is me they denied my passport application cuz im trans. im incognito mode in this bitch. oh me? yes sir i am an all american male. i work in construction and oh these? no these arent boobs officer. this is a prank. you just got caught on candid camera. ashton kutcher is here. everyone is clapping and you're the butt of the joke you big idiot. serves you right for assuming im a "woman."
missed my gd psych appointment this morning like a bawse. theyre telling me if i miss another one in the next 6 months i get dropped as a patient and i gotta find another doctor. kinda gay and stupid if you ask me. like lol for sure let me just stop getting mental health treatment guess ill just go off my meds again thanks guys!! whenever i do smth like this i get so pissed off at myself for being such a forgetful ditz. but then like half an hour later im like okay what tf ever im trying my best. i was looking forward to this appointment too i like my psychiatrist and im also supposed to go up to the next dose of my lamictal. now i gotta wait another month or so cuz my dumbass forgot to set an alarm. say la vee :p
if anyone reading this wants to listen to my cover of carousel by blink 182 here it is you fricken weirdo https://on.soundcloud.com/8DmBXtWGdc9Wzzhw6
they should make a clock that like. you can press a button on it. and at a predetermined time it will play a sound. and that way if you are sleeping it will hopefully wake you up. like if you have an obligation. i think this could make a lot of money. entrepreneurs tap in hmu my email is blink182emoji@gmail. the same goes for any other business inquiries as to selling the movie rights to my blog. but you will have to talk to my agent.
deep dark sad feeling today. heavy like im being weighed down by rocks in my stomach. its rainy and cold. just finished possession. good movie. later 4 now
just watched the oc and fingerboarded for multiple hours. feeling a little better today. will update more tomorrow
well i forgot 2 effing save and deleted something i wrote earlier. whatevs. i started possession last night but got too stoned and couldnt finish it cuz it was mad stressful. thinking about how people describe that movie as being on some "unhinged women" or "female rage" shit but then its actually about like horrible mental illness and abuse. and the creature. i love when there is a creature.
went to do laundry. wallet too full of quarters couldnt fold it haha they wish they were me so bad. got a coffee next door and read my book. woodys laundromat is so cute right on park by the lake. while i was going to move my clothes to the dryer there was this middle aged guy just staring at his clothes spin with a huge smile on his face. just totally full of wonder. maybe he had never seen his clothes spin around before. like he has a washer thats completely opaque and what goes on inside is a complete mystery. i think he was onto something.
cleaned room. hung out with roomies. put away laundry. marveled at all the different black socks i own. and a few fun ones. ive never had this many black socks before. i was on a kick of just going to target and stealing socks and underwear once a week cuz i didnt wanna go do laundry and in that time ive accumulated a large volume of undergarments. short black hanes socks, long black hanes socks, long black hanes socks with red logo, black everlane socks, plus some colorful ones with the frills on the top (my newest addition to the collection from the target free section). whenever i do laundry i think about this poem my friend max wrote in high school about how fun it is to do laundry. he really nailed the whimsy of it. i remember from then on i was like okay damn max i didnt know you really had a way with words like that cause we normally just talk about skating but i see you. i have not seen max in years. not since i was 18. i think one time he liked an old picture of mine on ig after i came out as trans so i know he was lurking. put on black bootcut everlane jeans that i think i bought or maybe stole when i worked there. black size xl blasphemy shirt that i was worried i had lost but it was actually just deep in my hamper. hoodie (also black) fingerless gloves (also black). i feel like joliet jake in the beginning of the blues brothers when hes getting out of prison and they give him back all his clothes. one pair of sunglasses. black. one pair suit pants. black. one hat. (punches hat to return it to normal hat shape after flatness of being stored in a box for three years). also black.
felt better. went on walk with trish around the nice neighborhood just east of the lake. hunted for fingerboard spots. got EXTREME. tried to figure out how to fingerboard on handrails. rolling the board back and landing on the rail and then running down the stairs and trying to catch the fb when its falling to the ground. the last part is the hardest and i can never get it quite right. was riding 26mm computer parts board with pink basplate dynamics and daytona records wheels. the sun hanging low in the sky over the lake. couple people in kayaks gliding on the glassy water. felt kind of like the guy at the laundromat, like i was from another planet and i had just learned what the sun or a lake was and i was getting to see them interact for the first time. wow!
called my mom on the phone. whenever we talk now we always catch up on whatever movies were watching. she was telling me about these michael fassbender movies she just watched that she was fucking with. she was like "yeah with michael fassbender, i like him. or... i think i like him." "yeah" i said, "i liked him in alien. or whatever alien movie he was in. prometheus or something." and she agreed.
have been feeling burnt out like i dont know what to write for this already. but thats also cause i havent really been doing much and i always have a hard time writing about feeling depressed when im depressed. i cant really articulate the feelings surrounding it. beyond saying like "oh yeah i feel super depressed."
i also watched donnie darko yesterday. it finished and i was sad and felt weird but also good and i went to close my computer and turn off my tv. but my tv just turned back on and started rolling the credits again and i freaked tf out. completely convinced that this was a sign that the movie was actually a message from future me that i had never previously understood until now that the time was right. thinking back to times when maybe i shouldve died but avoided it in some freak twist of fate, and now id have to change the way things went down to kill my past self and stop the pocket universe from collapsing and ending all life as we know it. but then i realized i just forgot to pause it and my computer was still hooked up to my tv. silly old me :p
woke up and cried a lot. wished mom and kevin happy birthday. had 30 mins of doom and despair and then went outside to smoke and saw a bumblebee landing on flowers and thought about my friends who are older than me and theyre happy and theyre still alive and maybe still depressed but like getting through it im excited to get older and idk im too all over the place to articulate anything right now
rotting rotting rotting . against all odds shaved and made coffee and bagel. want to go outside. feel like im getting sick again. dont wanna talk to or see anyone my eyes are puffy from crying i just wanna hide out in my tower. my tower at the gs7 castle. watching stupid podcast want to close the curtains and go to sleep. i think i can still have a good day. i think if i was around more than 1 other person rn i would feel insane.
autistic transgender smoker 25 years of age
no direction
no bitches
no healthy coping mechanisms
no therapist
minimal swag
record collection has too many reissues
no bedframe
"artist/writer" ewwwww
(rest of list omitted for brevity)
werner herzog double feature brought on by starting encounters at the end of the world with trish. grizzly man b2b bad lieutenant port of call new orleans. grizzly man was rly touching i kind of feel like i understand where he was coming from. just completely hating the modern world and stuff. but maybe he did wanna be a bear too badly for his own good. for some reason i thought they included the audio of him getting eaten in the movie and was sickly looking forward to it but i actually think its good they didnt put it in. bad lieutenant was a wild ride lowkey just nic cage crashing tf out for 2 hours with random artsy moments and the ending rly took me by surprise but felt weirdly fitting. thank u for reading my movie reviews. follow me on letterboxd but you just have to find me i wont tell you what it is.
smoked cigarette. held head in hands. made pbnj. drinking lacroix. feel like i am disconnected from the people i care about/dont know how to let anyone in/dont want to let anyone know im doing bad. want psychiatrist appointment to come sooner. feel totally aimless lonely.
tried to move blog to substack. did not like substack. was going to say more about not liking substack but its not that deep. something something being a substack "influencer" something something but thats not mee etc
feel very depressed. watching grizzly man. not exactly in that order. ate a lot of food. went to the store to buy cigarettes and the guy working there had to ask his coworker for the price of smth and this dude popped out of a little window on the far wall that was just below the ceiling. twelve dollars. felt like a scene in a movie. im too stoned to describe it well
they should make sissy hypno but like to get you to stop being depressed. ooo (swirly circle) you want to get your life together so baddd you dont want to hurt yourself ever everything will be okay ooo
gen z is trying to cancel dying fetus
reddit viral post idea: my phone is as dry as my sense of humor *LOL* haha but seriously if there are any ladies on here fluent in the language of sarcasm you know where to find me ;)
transgender karate kid be like. wax on wax off ... this is the best way to get your hair off of the wall in the shower so that your roommates dont cancel you...
i woke up around 930 full of angst / bad thoughts. like when is it my turn to be happy. went back to sleep til like 1130 and then i felt a lil better. im sitting in backyard smoking cig typing. really leaning into this whole uh depressed writer thing arent we emmie. its okay it feels good. every day im like this is fuckin cringe but im gna just keep doing it i think. i had super crazy dreams no i dont remember what they were about. something good happened in a dream between 930 nd 1130and i was happy then i awoke and it had not actually happened and i was like oh well
im always the most depressed monday-wednesday but also these days are the days when i tell myself i need to get shit done. very happy im not going into the dmv today lol i have to retake the written test when i go and im worried im gna fail it. just texted collette hi collette! missyou. i hope i see you soon.
i think i am going to make coffee and bagel and apply to jobs. i wana work at the library so dam bad. i think having a purpose besides doing art crap would be rly good for me. parents will be happy if i get another job. i had a rly good idea for smth to write and then i forgot. i will not be a pile today affirmations. last night i fingerboarded and watched the oc for super long. if anyone reading this wants to look at my fingerboarding instagram it is @xcatxscratchesx
its my moms bday tomorrow and also my friend kevins bday. im gonna text kevin and see if he has bday plans. were supposed to trade tattoos but ive been putting it off cuz im scared im gonna give him a shitty tattoo . on my birthday in october i had a rly bad day and was super emo. we had ppl over and a ton of ppl who were still in town for unity fest came thru and we all laughed and everyone battle rapped each other. i need to do laundry soon im wearing all my underwear i dont like. mm coffee and bagel ok bye for now
eating tuna melt listening to aja by steely dan on compact disk on my home stereo system aka boombox i found on the street outside my old apartment i lived in with my ex. what a mouthful! tuna melt has cooled down and its now kinda like a tuna sand witch that features cheese.
when i was walking to work i saw a guy with a green bomber jacket and short mohawk and i was like omg you are serving taxi driver travis bickle realness in my head. i wish i took a pic. but you can imagine. i wonder if he saw the movie and was like yo i fuckk with that guys style or if he just got up this morning and put that fit on. i think the second one more likely. funny either way kinda funnier if hes never seen it. for a sec was like oh i should start an instagram page called accidental travis bickle and its just guys who have short mohawks and are wearing green jackets. idk how many posts we would be able to make but the vision is there yk
smoked a buncha weed today. hotboxed the whip in the bart parking lot. i love sitting on the train all stoned. moreso when its above ground the view from west oakland is pretty
felt more lonely rather than horrible failure these last five or so hours so i think thats a step in the right direction! i want someone really strong to give me a back rub. craving human contact in a wholly nonsexual way. bust it down asexual style. i could get bitches but i choose not to affirmations. affirmations trying to convince myself im not just a sexless amorphous blob of flesh and organs.
tuna melt was good but i took too long to eat it starting up my computer and smoking weed. deacon blues is on. here is my tuna melt recipe:
tuna melt recipe (depressed/easy mode) (or maybe im just bad at cooking) (probably both)
1 can trader joes tuna fish. this helps you pretend you are a cat momentarily before other ingredients are added
some mayonaisse (also trader joes) to taste
3 slices of sandwich dill pickle diced
salt
pepper
2 slices sourdough bread
cheddar cheese that p brought home from work i think the other day
assemble tuna salad using all ingredients except bread and cheese. you may toast bread while doing this to save time. dial in ratios til it tastes not bad or just stick with what you got first t either way is cool. put tuna salad on slice of toasted bread and apply cheese slices on top. put that shit in the oven on broil for a few mins. enough time to run to the car and grab weed pipe and grinder and take a quick hit. remove from oven dont burn your fingerss!! now comes time for that second slice of bread - dont tell me you forgot about her. you can also add in some hot sauce if your a sick freak me. enjoy;)
want to try and get adhd meds from therapist. half for funsies half because my attention span is f**king horrible actually.
i fully thought i had an appointment at the dmv tomorrow to renew my expired license (sorry mom and dad) but apparently i never made it lmao. this is actually good because i need to get paid so i can pay for da application fee. going to try and change my gender marker. hope that this doesnt fuck up my passport application cuz i guess all that official state policy there is only 2 genders shit is kinda fucking all that fucking shit up. either way i dont really care all too much but id also like to get my passport. excited to take new pic im gonna get dolled up for it. ive had the same pic of 15 1/2 year old me on my drivers license for. wow almost ten years now thats crazy haha. trying to make a change ...
i went to look at instagram i have nothing else to say kk bye
i like the way the sun hits my curtain in the morning. its not actually a curtain its a sheet held up with safety pins. its purple with little flowers and they all look like theyre dancing. every time i wake up recently i cant remember what day it is, total momentary amnesia about my life or who i even am. it all rushes back after a sec and then im like. oh yeah. my names emily. i got work today. i wanna smoke a cig. i was depressed yesterday but im too tired to feel any emotions right now. maybe today will be better. my room is pretty clean. i would feel so much better if i got a bedframe. i need to shower. wait no i showered yesterday. i need to pee. cant forget to take my meds teehee. 50mg lamictal (im doing the thing where i slowly increase hte dose so i dont get a deadly rash by just taking it all at once) 20mg buspar split into two 10mg doses. its been a month since i started these and i dont feel shit. i heard lamictal makes you feel happy and stupid or something i wanna feel happy and stupid. he said it in a funnier way than that. i cant remember. maybe im already stupid. im like if a smart person and a stupid person had a baby.
1.go to the dmv every day until they give you a new kind of drivers license, that lets you hit people with your car
2.smoke 10-20 cigarettes
3.watch bone tomahawk starring kurt russell
4.sign up for a clinical depression trial
5.try to buy mushrooms but give up
6.smoke 10 more cigarettes. realize you are out of cigarettes
7.google "easiest ways to kill yourself"
8.listen to the hellp*
(*i cant fucking stand the hellp))
9.think about people my age who are leading happier healthier lives than me
10. decide that they are actually fake and gay for doing that
repeat steps 1-10 forever until the end of time
feel like total loser and failure. keep getting mint mobile texts and i get excited and think its actually someone texting me and then its ryan reynolds trying to help me set up my data and im like. stfu i will kill you please just stop god make it stop. listening to cries of the past by underoath. band names are funny cause you just kinda think of it as the name of a band and not like. the words under oath. like lying under oath. if you think about christian metal bands are probably a lot more passionate about their music than non-christian metal bands. like real christian metal bands who believe in the lord and shit. cuz i think satanic metal bands are usually capping about being satanists but christian metal bands seem like they actually believe that shit. they got the passion. we all wish we had that passion. but a lot of us dont got it like that
every time i go to smoke a cigarette outside my job a small child/baby always appears. i dont wanna be that asshole blowing smoke on a baby. maybe this is a sign from god that i should quit smoking. im "in my cig era" as trish said the other day.
got too high while at job today and felt like nothing was real for a little while. but then sobered up walking in light rain to the train station. my friend ryan told me i was one of the biggest stoners they knew cause i never refuse a hit of whatever weed they are smoking and i took that as a huge compliment. my friend slash kind of ex once told me i didnt have stoner vibes/wasnt a stoner because weed isnt my whole personality. but i think being a stoner is just smoking a lot of weed. she also smoked a lot of weed for a while and we would smoke a lot of weed together but she hasnt been smoking recently. i feel a lot better and eat healthier when i dont smoke weed.
went to read my book on the train today and thought about a tweet i saw where someone said i cant read in public because im scared someone will take a picture of me and caption it "ur not a vibe bro" felt self conscious but read a little bit anyway.
i think i just want to post on this website every day for a year or something and not post about it or say anything about it unless someone like asks to see it or i want to confide in them. and then just like in a year ill have written a lot of stuff. liveblog mentality. i like that book so far i dont necessarily relate to a lot of stuff megan boyle has to say but at the same time i do. mentally ill girl vibe. moreso the idea of it is inspiring like yeah i also want to keep a semipublic diary of my life. i dont think i have the confidence to go like balls to the wall mode and write about like actually every detail of my life cuz im terrified of people i know reading about themselves and also me and making judgements. but i will try my best to be open and honest. i am under oath to neocities.org. i am making a blood pact with my word document.
i suicidally ideate a lot but i think im too pussy to ever kill myself. if i were to actually do it id want to do it chill style and just stick a gun in my mouth. r budd dwyer/mel gibson in lethal weapon when hes like you wanna know if i ever think about eating a bullet? well i do. ive even got a special one for the occasion with a hollow point, make sure it blows the back of my brains out do the job right. i can only quote that because its sampled in the beginning of a shocking interrogation by graf orlock. i wish mel gibson would just die already if he is not already dead im pretty sure hes still alive.
whenever i watch movies with people and i am the one who picked the movie i am mortified the entire time that they will hate whatever i wanted to watch and also judge me for suggesting we watch it. i just watched the blues brothers with trish and edwin and experienced this. had the same thing happen with burn after reading a couple weeks ago. osborne coxxx. both star studded casts. in the end it was fine and the movies were liked by all and i maintained my fragile status as someone who knows stuff about movies.
last night i felt super wired and drank coffee around midnight and stayed up only to eat 2 jack in the box burgers and 8 chicken nuggets around 330 in the morning. was fairly sure i was entering into hypomanic state but i think i am just having a reaction to switching to dumber phone and having more energy to put into things other than stupid instagram. i always do this where i get engrossed in a project for a few days and then bail. i dont want to do that with this blog/diary/whatever thing. i have that thing where i like want to be more mentally ill than i am so that i can use it as an excuse to escape reality. oh yeah like in girl interrupted. girl syndrome. syndrome interrupted. if everyone is super... no one- huh? what? i dont actually want to be more mentally ill than i am i am mentally ill enough as it is. journaling is helping me to not cut myself.
recently i have been wanting to start DRINKING again. i have convinced myself that i did not actually have that much of a problem with alcohol when i quit drinking. ok like yes 1-2 beers every day is not great but there is much worse you can do to yourself. i think if i started drinking again right now i would drink a lot more. go harder get drunker crash out harder. i could literally go pick up a fifth right now there is nothing stopping me. but myself. need to listen to some earth crisis get back on track u feel me.
need to get second job. or only have one job but have a lot of hours. i am financially dependent on my parents and it reminds me of my loser/failure status. a very privileged loser. i need to get my shit together bad. that is all.
thinking about how i kind of get obsessed with people when i crush on them and that is probably (almost certainly) not a great thing. my last thing slash relationship (ok we only officially dated for amonth but we saw each other for like 6 months altogether and spent a lot of time together and would talk/hang out like every day and stuff) i did that classic thing i do where i lean in way too hard to a relationship and get too comfortable and broadcast my every mentally ill thought onto the other person. and that is BAD. since then i have been extremely self conscious about talking about my mental health with anybody in my life. this is also bad. i need to go back to therapy but i dont want to go back to my therapist. need to make dr appointment and renew my id and pay my taxes and get my passport and make this shirt and mail it and mail collettes stuff also and make this board and send it to sebby and go to class and get a job and
i am extremely self conscious of biting the writing style of 2010s alt lit stuff like the liveblog book im reading right now. trying to remind myself that im kind of just journaling and avoiding being influenced by other artists is impossible. i think i get too influenced by other artists all the time (read: biting biting biting biting you). i feel like if i keep doing this project the writing style will maybe evolve around time. i think that would be cool. i am surrounded by 4 devides right now and 3 different types of cords. my computer my new old phone my old old phone my knockoff ipod. i didnt check instagram for like 10-12 hours today and it felt good but also made me anxious i dreaded opening it back up. but this is good for me. im gonna smoke another cig and take my stupid bullshit sleep/anxiety meds and try 2 sleep for a long time instead of staying up and eating jumk food gn to the zero people who will read this and i like it that way
i never understood the whole hype about flac files but im listening to lossless bitch where by chief keef and holy shit you guys
my whole thing with the new "emo skaters" is that they are socially well adjusted cool guys. and well i dont think thats very emo of them. all the real emos i know are pretty awkward or at the very least good at masking their autism. i dont think you can be "emo" if you never got bullied in elementary middle or high school or if no one ever told you you should probably be in therapy. actually no a lot of these skater boys probably do need to be in therapy. but for different reasons lol.
one time my ex girlfriend in high school got mad at me for dissing the big bang theory and she was like why cant you let people just like things. i used to think she was right but nah fuck that show!! me and my friends wouldve killed young sheldon with hammers ill tell you that much.
i think its probably an exaggeration for me to say that i am in this present moment terrified of having sex. i think a more accurate word would be "scared." i dont really recognize my body right now and i have to solve the puzzle before i let anybody else see it. the idea of kissing someone with all our clothes on cuz its kind of cold sounds cool i guess. id like to fall asleep in someones arms and not have to think about hooking up with them. that sounds nice. i dont think im asexual i just have as much interest in sex as a cat does in taking a bath right now
^just imagined this as being written by ian mackaye with gender dysphoria
there's one word on my mind and that word is
"Fuck"!
My tank's full of squid
I don't want it, cause it makes me sick
I don't wanna talk on the telephone.
You're just flesh and blood like all the rest
she won't fuck you,
You mean nothing, can't you see?
You just bought her a gram of coke
Cry all night but you'll never get it back.
Your pants are too tight, you fucking homos
You suck, Mr. Buttfuck, you don't belong here
Go away, you fucking gay.
it's a long swim home
For your short, little arms
I'm jealous of the world again
And there's nothing I can do
I'm sick and I need a friend
I don't want to have sex with you
I don't want it, cause it makes me sick
ive only been to AA cuz i got caught buying beer with a fake when i was 19 and the court made me do it but id be down to go again now that im sober.
im sick so you probably shouldnt hit this but i can roll you one if you want
the first and only time i ever did ketamine one of the people i did it with yelled "I LOVE DOING KETAMINE" afterwards when we were walking back into the party and it made me feel embarrassed
told my friend from high school i might change my pronouns and he was like oh ur gonna change em to faggot?
i lost like 40 pounds when i quit drinking but then i gained most of it back when i got on abilify
theres this box deal u can get at taco bell its like 7 bucks and its hella food
i wanna kiss you but idk if i should im kinda mentally unstable right now
i took three 25mg hydroxyzine tablets last night and had a dream where someone put a baby in an oven
jack didnt end up having to pay that speeding ticket because the state trooper felt bad about walking up to the car with his gun drawn, and he had a clean driving record. but that didnt stop him from bitching about it
i just redownloaded hinge
everyone on theres a fucking techie or edmfestivalgoer or something
i dont wanna be in a relationship, i hardly even wanna have sex
i am a soldier of love on the front lines and a landmine just took my legs
they're severed just above the knee and im screaming covered in chunks of my own flesh
i send a dude named sam a great redneck hope song as a joke and he says he's not in the mood to listen to music >:(
i lie and say that its a calming track, that he should listen anyway.
he blocks my dumbass
i heard lil wayne only listens to his own music when he skates
i think thats fucking tight
i always think of this one thing the dude from xasthur said hes like
'i never said anything about killing myself.
but maybe some people should just look into dying.
that's pretty much what i'm trying to get across with my music'
i think we need to protest big dsbm by not cutting ourselves.
most of these new shoegaze bands dont even have riffs like that tbh
good instagram reels ideas:
here are the top 5 ways the government is trying to keep secrets of the old world from you. aliens built the pyramids and we are going to explore whats in the bottom of lake tahoe
top 10 most gay jackass moments from a guy who claims to have slept with steve-o in the 90s
here's one easy prank i pull on my husband to spice up our time in the bedroom
wassup guys. we're a queer christian pop punk band from hackensack new jersey and this is our new song about why polyamory dishonors the lord
im 25 years old im 6 feet tall im transgender i smoke weed i listen to music
i wanna party i wanna black out i wanna throw up all over!
elliot smith inspired me to start drinking again. this is my story
my mom told me about when she was depressed in college and she just went to paris to study abroad and partied for a year and it made her feel better and she was never depressed again
if i actually get better ill have to face reality instead of just slinking down into my pit of loneliness and despair
i think that "pit of loneliness and despair" would be a good name for a black metal song
write that down write that down
we interrupt this poem to bring you some daily affirmations from our sponsor BetterNug, an app that connects stoners with licensed therapists and doctors who give out med cards
"big money. big cars. we're living like superstars"
- quote from musical group fly society
"hang in there!"
- inspiring words + a cute cat. whats not to like? i used to see those posters and think the cat was telling me to hang in there. now i am realizing that the poster is actually telling the cat to hang in there because why would the cat be saying that? he's the one doing the hanging in there i dont think he would just go and announce it to everyone. so now we have this issue of an unknown narrator who is presenting you with this image of a cat that you are supposed to relate to because you have also experienced hardship and you can imagine what said cat is going through. and idk im fuckin stoooooned haha
download betternug today and never green out again! terms and conditions may apply. we now return to the notes app.
the other day i almost missed my exit driving to work cuz like fifty biker dudes were all passing me right where i needed to turn
i bet a lot of them had cool nicknames like "snake" or "spike"
and thats like beautiful or whatever
cuz thats their chosen names. and thats their chosen family
and thats like. idk
i just wanna belong somewhere
i wanna ride on the back of someones harley and borrow their spare helmet and grab them around the waist
and hope we dont get laid out on the asphalt by some fucking asshole
who didnt check his blindspot before he merged
but hey that'd be lowkey romantic i guess